What's Up with Me?

I am SO behind on blog posts!  I didn't get a March update done, and now it's nearly May.  My co-op art appreciation class has been sucking almost every bit of free time, but it's almost done!  Only four more weeks!  This class hasn't just been about filling my teaching requirement.  It's also been a chance to really learn art history.  In a way, it's almost like taking a college course, only rather than reading assigned books, writing essays, and taking tests, I'm wading through ridiculous amounts of information and turning it into a half credit high school class.  I don't regret teaching, but I also am really looking forward to switching gears in June.

Have I not done this almost every year with almost every class?  Yes, but never to this extent.  I've only taught one yearlong class before, and never one with credit.  Teaching a class with credit is a whole new level of responsibility.  I don't plan on doing it again, although I would love to reteach this class next year, now that all the work is done.

So my life has consisted of my art class, diet, and spiritual growth, with a few outings thrown in for good measure.  :)  I'd like to elaborate on the spiritual growth.  It's funny how you can go for years thinking you are doing well in your Christian walk, and then you start seeing stuff about yourself that isn't so great.  It's been terrible, wonderful, and humbling.  I could write pages and pages about it and how it all started and all the things God brought together to bring me here.  It's overwhelming, and it makes me want to cry, in a good way.  Basically, what it boils down to, is that I really need the Lord.  Well, duh!  But no, I desperately need Him to help me through this major growth spurt, and it is so incredibly awesome.  I am hoping to heal from insecurity going back to childhood, insecurity I didn't know existed.  I always blamed other people and circumstances.  And I was secure in my relationship with the Lord, or so I thought.  But God's been showing me problems that affected friendships and fellowship outlets.  I'm scared I won't be fixed, I have no idea how I will be fixed, but I believe God is able.  And I don't believe He would show me these things unless He means to fix them.

Some of the things that came together to bring this about included changes in friendships this year, changes in outlets for fellowship, reading The Hiding Place (never have I cried so much reading a book), changes in parenting associated with Kylen growing up, lack of time due to the art class, a revelation on the importance of humility (learned through co-op women's Bible study), and just very recently - as in the last few days - a realization of how negative I am in my thoughts.  It started with discovering that I am a very judgmental person.  I am constantly evaluating and judging everyone and everything all the time.  And then we heard a fantastic sermon about thoughts on Sunday.  I would like to move away from negativity and toward positive communion with the Lord.  I would like my focus to be more on thankfulness and praise than on analysis.  I would like to break free of these hindrances that have affected me my entire life.  I want to love people, and I have been trying to do that all along, but I'm not sure I've made much progress.  Maybe I will now.

Thank you, Lord.  Thank you for opening my eyes.  I want to grow!